My kids have been in daycare since my first child was born. I was a full-time student. When Caleb was 4 weeks old I started dental hygiene school. And after graduation, I started working as soon as I got my license. I've always been a working mom. I've never known any different. But it never gets easier. I've been at it for 7 1/2 years. And I can honestly say its just as hard now as it was when C was a tiny baby. There's an enormous amount of guilt. All the wishes that you have that never seem to come true, the first of which would be to be able to just stay home with them. I wish I had more time. There's no time for helping my 4 year old with pre- school (because working moms can't take them and then pick them up 2 hours later.). There's no time to help my 7 year old with his homework, even though he needs it desperately. There's not even enough time to cook a good meal. Because who wants to start cooking at 6:30 PM? Who wants to cook ever? But even though I hate doing it, I wish I could.... Because I can't. I wish my kids could be involved in after sports or gymnastics...but how would they get there? I wish, I wish, I wish.
But honestly, you get over it. All those things that you can't do. You can't spend much time feeling sorry for yourself....there IS no time. But some days are just painful. And there's no telling when one of those days will come, or how long it will last. My heart aches to spend more time with them. And when they cry or complain that they don't want you to leave, you're crying inside too. It's painful to hear when your baby calls your babysitter "mama", or when you find out you've missed their first word. But even all that isn't too bad if you don't let yourself think about it.
But there's the panic you get when your babysitter tells you she can't take the kids tomorrow. Or the awful guilt when your kid is sick, and you have to decide if you're going to call in sick so you can actually care for your sick child, or if dad will. Or can someone else take them? It's all so un-fun.
Over these past 6 weeks I feel like I've had to re-learn how to be a working mom. And I'm completely sucking at it. I feel like my son is falling behind in school and I never have time to help him. Quality family time is running to McDonalds for dinner. Even though the kids just complain they're hungry after we get home. Why did I just spend 20 bucks on dinner if I have to feed them when we get back?!!
Last week I had an exhausting day of work. I didn't get a lunch break, and had to do root-planing on 2 people....one was at the end of the day. By the end of the day I was spent. And my kids (who are always happy and fine all day) all start crying the second we walk through the door. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed. But I'm a mom. It just doesn't work like that. I've always thought that when work is too much for a mom, she should cut back. Except I'm not working because I WANT to.....I have to. There is no cutting back. I just have to deal.
Meanwhile I have gained about 10 lbs over the past 10 months. I feel trapped inside this body, and this lifestyle. I lost weight last year, and felt so good afterwards.... I just wish I had the power to do it again. Right now I just can't. And along with feeling guilty for not being there for my kids, I'm also feeling very insecure and sick with my own body. How can I control what I eat when our dinners are short- order crap or casseroles? I have no time to cook healthy meals.
On Sunday, my visiting teachers came over. It's the first visit I've had in years. And apparently I needed it more than I realized. They were asking me about what I do, and what my life is like. I started talking about work, and feeling overwhelmed just talking about it. But then one of those sisters informed me that she was a working mom for years. I don't know why, but every time she started talking I was in tears. She told me how she didn't fold laundry for over a year, how all of her memories of her young children were of them in the bathtub, because she was only home long enough to feed them, put them in the bath, and then put them to bed. She told me about how her visiting teaching companion used to get frustrated with her because she always forgot to call and make her appointments. And I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. Then she said something that hit me like a brick wall. She said, "now I know why I was called to be your visiting teacher." And I completely lost it. I had been feeling like nobody understands me. Like nobody really realizes how hard it is to do what I do. To wake my children at 6:15 each morning so that I can go to work. And here she was, expressing the pain she felt all those years ago. And I realized that The Lord puts people in our lives when we need them the most. And my prayers (even the silent ones that I hardly even took the time to kneel down and utter) were still being heard. And suddenly I didn't feel so alone and misunderstood.
