STOP

The past couple weeks have been pretty hard ones.  I think I've been pretty blessed in my life so far, and even though I've done hard things (like go to school with a newborn baby, or send my kids to daycare while I go to work 4 days a week, or give my time to church callings during the evening when I've spent a whole day at work, and my husband still isn't home from HIS job so I take the kids with me) I think for the most part I handle it pretty well.  Maybe my skin is just getting thicker, but the hard things that I do day-to-day haven't left me feeling down and depressed.....and most days I really feel like I love my life, and I love my job, and most importantly I love being a mom. 

The last few weeks, I have NOT felt this way though.  My first instinct is to blame it on other things.  Mostly my husband working so many hours (with a 1 hour commute home each day).  It makes things so hard to have him gone, and so many days I just wish there was someone there to lighten the load.  But I know it's more than that.  The way I have been feeling lately could be partly blamed on that, but I know the majority of it is just me.  Somewhere along the road I've forgotten to take some important steps.  To care for myself.  The thing I forget to care for the most is my spirit.  I forget to pray, and I don't read the scriptures like I should.  But other days, I don't care for my heart.  Some days I need one-on-one time with my husband, and some days I need to go to the temple, and some days I need to just go shopping WITHOUT CHILDREN.  All of this, eventually made me feel like I had too much on my plate.  And I felt like I was on the verge of rage at every moment.  And my children, who test my patience on a minute-by-minute basis, were starting to cry BEFORE I even yelled at them. I heard wrappers rustling in the pantry, followed by the spill of chocolate milk mix one evening, and yelled from my bedroom, "What just spilled?!" followed by, "I'm sorry...." and then tears. 
Frustration was piling on top of me.  They don't listen if I'm not yelling!  They fight, and argue, and don't eat their food.  The biggest thing that stood out to me was the way my 7-year-old was talking to his little sister.  And to me.  He was yelling at his sister about everything!  And days when I noticed that he could be all-out rude.  It seemed like he was getting a pretty short fuse.  And I realized he had to be learning it from someone.  It was me.  There were days when Parker would come home, and I was yelling at the kids for this and that, and he would stop me.  "It's ok, they're just kids."  I didn't even realize I had a problem until somebody shared this link on their facebook page:
  
10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling

Reading this article made me cry my eyes out.  And I started the resolve to change. But then I quickly forgot.  Then about a week later there was a talk in sacrament meeting, where a sister actually spoke about this exact article and how it helped her change to be more kind and loving.  We had a particularly rough evening that day, when dad and mom were both on a rampage.  And that night somebody shared this article:

The Important Thing About Yelling

This one was the straw to break the camel's back.  I felt so awful.  And I made a resolution to stop yelling.

I'm learning that this challenge is really for my son too.  I have to remind him to not yell just about as often as I remind myself.  And believe me, I think I fail every day.  But it's not an overnight switch.  It's a process.  And I know that as long as I am TRYING to be better, that I'm that much better than I was....even if I still slip up and yell a few times each day.  It's so hard.  I've had to explain to my children that just because I'm not going to yell doesn't mean I'm not going to teach you when you did something wrong.  And their wrong choices still have consequences.  But that consequence will not be me raising my voice.  I have to remember that I can't lose my patience over mistakes.  Children make mistakes.  And I know I do too. 

I've made a resolve to take better care of myself too.  To strengthen my faith, and to make sure I spend quality time with my husband (and not just give him what's left after being exhausted from being a mom each day).  My husband is trying to yell less too, and I am so grateful to have someone to help me through this.  I've also started doing my grocery shopping at 6:00 AM on pay-day before daddy goes to work.  I get home just in time for him to leave, and although I really do HATE 6:00 in the morning, I hate losing my patience at the grocery store even more.  And my oldest has REALLY started to like this change.  He told me he hates grocery shopping because "You always yell at us."  You think?!  They ask for things, and hang on the cart, and step on my toes, and pull things off the shelves, and ask for treats, and of course I yell at them.  It's such a nightmare!  But shopping in the morning completely removes this issue from the table, and I like it as much as they do. 

I really hope you took a second to read the articles in the links that I shared in this post.  I really feel like they helped me so much.  I am only getting started, but I already feel so much better by trying to be more loving. 

Parker's Birthday

August 15th was Parker's birthday.  We really didn't do much, we were in Burley for the 2nd week in a row to celebrate the fair.  But I did take the time to make him a "Lemon Zest" cake, which he took to work and shared with the HR department.  He even took a piece over to the pastry chef at the casino (the same chef who has won "death by chocolate" for like 4 years in a row) and gave him a taste.  Parker tells me he liked it.  

With all of the craziness of the fair going on, we really never had the time to actually throw a party for Parker.  But I did manage to order a few movies for him from Walmart.com.  These are movies that we both love, always quote or talk about, and seem to think we already had....but didn't.  Space Jam, Newsies, and Better Off Dead.

Parker's 32nd birthday has got me thinking a bit.  He was 22 when we met, and when we got married.  It's been 10 years.  A lot has changed since then.  The biggest change, of course, has been the 3 children that now live with us.  They consume so much of my time and energy, that I'm sure there are days when he feels like I'm nothing more than the crazy lady who does his laundry and asks him to do a million things every day.  But it's not true.  The hours when I'm home and he's not, my heart aches for him to be here.  He's the only other adult living in this house, and after my days and evenings of speaking "child" I love being able to just have an adult conversation with him.  He's the one that I want to tell about my highs and lows each day.  And he's the one who makes me laugh. 

 

I know he doesn't think these things are that big of a deal, but he has fixed quite a few things this summer.  Starting with my car.  Every time something breaks down, I go through this mental stressed-out crazy-spell.  I think, and worry, and lose sleep over these things.  After he fixed my car, he fixed the AC in his car (only a week later).  Both of these things, I was worried we would have to pay a mechanic to fix, but he was able to do it.  Next he fixed the lawn mower (even though....the time has come that it needs fixing again, I have no doubt he'll be able to do it), and then just yesterday I noticed the AC in our house wasn't working right.  Our power bill last month was ridiculously high, and I thought it was a bit odd, but it was also a peak summer month and rates always go up.  I paid the bill and didn't think much more about it.  But yesterday, I noticed it was 76 in the house all day, and the AC was running ALL DAY, and the temperature never seemed to go down.  Then, when I put my hand over the vent, I realized there was hardly any air blowing.  I laid in bed that night and tossed and turned just worrying about how long our house could handle this before we had to call somebody to fix it.  I started making mental lists of who I could call (Terry's heating and air-conditioning, Brizee, etc) and wondering how soon before they could make it out here.  And then how much was it going to cost.  I made a mental note to quit using the oven and keep the ceiling fan on all day to keep the temperature down.  Parker was gone hunting when I discovered the problem.  But the following afternoon, he arrived home with a new filter, and the first thing he did was go outside and clean the leaves, weeds, and grime from the blower out there.  Such a simple fix, but it never crossed my mind.  And even though, I'm sure in his mind it was just common sense, and completely easy.....it's moments like these when I am so grateful to have a husband.  My worries washed away in one swift moment when I realized he'd solved the problem....AGAIN.....without a phone call.

 

So many things seem to just come naturally to him.  He has an understanding of how things work, and an in-born ability to figure things out that is so completely foreign to me.  He works hard at a job doing things I could NEVER do.  He takes criticism on a regular basis (which I have never handled well) and makes himself better for it.  He loves to have fun, and spend time outside.  One of my favorite memories this summer was our day-trip to the south hills, which was nothing more than our little family spending the day outside. 

 

One thing about my husband that brings me so much joy is watching him spend time with his children.  Parker is a great dad, and has a very tender place in his heart for the relationship that he shares with his own father.  I never mind that he's not helping me with house chores when he's playing with the kids.  He teaches and plays at the same time, and the kids really do love him.  I've especially seen it in little Garrett.  He wants daddy to hold him EVERY time he walks through the door.  And if daddy walks outside without him.....TEARS!  Caleb loves to do things with daddy, like shooting bows, or golfing, or just working in the garage.  Angie likes to sit on daddy's lap and listen to him tell her she's beautiful.  And Garrett just loves when daddy's around.  He crawls to the laundry room every time he hears that garage door open.

 

It brings me so much peace to know that he's here to watch over us, but also that he loves me unconditionally.  Over the past 10 years, there have been moments when I've lost it, and I've sad some hurtful things to my husband.  And even when he has hurt me, the question that NEVER crosses my mind is if he still loves me.  It's because of that, that we have been able to heal the hurts, and overcome our differences to become closer.  I love his smile, and his loud and obnoxious laugh.  I love that he'll listen, even when he's sick of me talking.  This year marks the point when I've spent 1/3 of my life with my husband.  And even though the years I count with him are not a majority yet.....they are by far the best.  I'm grateful for a righteous priesthood holder to be my husband.  And for the love that we share as a family each day.  I love him more every day.