Fall and then Winter.....brrr

 I'm not going to try to catch up anymore.  This last year was crazy.  Hard.  And busy.  And a lot happened.  We moved to Boise, in with my parents.  We sold our house.  And all kinds of emotional stress that comes with change.  But this fall has actually been really great.  And I will share a few pictures, and then moving forward, hopefully I will be better blogger.

Angie learned to ride her bike!

I got a lot of canning done!  An Elk, a deer, peaches, apple sauce, tomatoes, and apple pie filling.

 We had our first snowfall of the season.  And it was a BIG one.  8-10 inches!  I haven't seen snow like this in Boise since I was a REALLY little kid.  The weather was still quite warm, even for fall, and then one day hit and BAM it was cold and snowing.  

The snow has really put me in the mood for Christmas though, and it's been fun to see my kids out having fun.  Garrett, refuses to go outside in the snow though.  It's interesting how different your kids can be.  I thought he'd want to do anything if his brother and sister were doing it too.  On the same note, he also refused to wear a costume this Hallowen.  Like, he SCREAMED until I took it off.  So apparently playing in the snow, and wearing Halloween costumes are NOT for my little G.

 Angie and I have the SAME fight every day.  "No you can't wear that."  and then she throws a fit that I won't let her wear something.  Usually it's because she's wanting to wear the same thing for another day or something that's not weather appropriate.  But yesterday I decided to just let her do what she's gonna do.  She can wear what she wants, as long as it's weather appropriate and not dirty.  Here was her choice yesterday.  

 Caleb went hunting this year with his dad, grandpa, and uncle Garrett.  This was his first time going on the annual boy's hunting trip.  

Parker got his deer, and Caleb got a great experience.  I won't spend too much time talking about how I worried the entire time he was gone that he was going to freeze to death in his sleep, and how I literally prayed for their safety for the entire 3 days they were gone.  But my worrying was not necessary.  They were fine, and even had a lot of fun.  He's still my baby....even though he's growing up.

Having church at 1:00 pretty much eliminates any chance of a nap for Garrett on Sundays.  This picture below was taken one Sunday afternoon, about 30 minutes after getting home from church.  I found him in his little red wagon, dead asleep. 

 I really feel like most days, I'm pretty blessed.  Although living in the basement is hardly ideal, it presents us with an opportunity to get our family's finances in order.  And that has brought a lot of peace to my life.  Some days, the driving to daycare, and then work, and then home again gets really exhausting.  But I feel like we are set on a path that is bringing so much peace and freedom.  And it feels good to be doing something that you know is right.

 These last photos are ones taken by a photographer that came to my kids daycare at the end of the summer.  I think that they turned out pretty good actually.  

I am grateful for my blessings, and my beautiful family.  I feel like particularly, my relationship with my husband has been really strengthened these past few weeks.  I am grateful for the things that he does for me and for our family.  We're pretty good for each other.  And as the holiday season approaches, I am excited to teach my children about love and giving.  This year Caleb asked me if Santa was real.  And I decided to tell him the truth.  I let him know that there is not really a person named Santa that lives in the north pole.  But I talked to him about the Spirit of Christmas, and about the importance of giving and loving.  And I encouraged him to never say the words, "There's no such thing as Santa."  I think he understands, and didn't really even get upset.  I decided kids at school were going to be starting to leak the secret at this point anyway.  Hopefully he'll be a good little elf helper for us this year. 

Blogging is hard.....

Ok folks- seriously.  Blogging is getting really hard.  We have been living in Eagle for 9 months now, and I still feel like I'm trying to figure out how to juggle it all.  Sometimes it feels like work takes up so much of my time, that I am constantly cooking on-call meals (grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, cold cereal....and I wonder how I ever had time to make something nice for dinner.  Let alone do some baking for fun.  But then there are days when I don't know how I got all of that in with such little time.  Last month, my sister Melissa and I canned a bunch of peaches from her neighbor's yard.  We got about 18 quarts....each.  And Parker shot an elk with his bow this year.  So I canned some meat this year as well.  I still really want to get my hands on my mom's apples and grapes.  But we'll just have to see what I have time for.  Oh and the tomatoes.  All the tomatoes!  Those really should be my priority.  Ok but honestly, none of this REALLY matters.   Nobody wants to hear about what I WISH I could be spending my time doing. 
Things around here are changing again.  I really like that we have finally moved downstairs.  It's much better, and I feel like it's my space for now.  It feels good to have your own stuff, even if it is at mom and dad's house.  But not long after we moved down, my older brother, Derek and his 2 little boys moved into the bedrooms upstairs.  He has recently separated from his wife, and he has been going through a lot of pain.  I really feel like I'm glad that I've been able to be around while he's here.  So often, he really just needs someone to talk to.  And I've been trying to be there for him in that way.  Sometimes things get pretty heavy around here though, and I don't always know what to do or say.  It's draining sometimes, but I would rather he be here with people who love and support him.  I really am amazed at my brother.  He's had a really hard life.  And although most of his challenges were brought on by his choices, I don't really feel like he deserves the level of suffering that he has had to endure from those choices.  And even though I know he has days where he feels like he's completely broken, and has nothing left....I'm pretty proud of him for enduring so patiently for as long as he has.  He's incredibly selfless, and patient.  He's a good man, and an amazing father.  I just hope that he can find the happiness that he deserves.  And he does deserve happiness, even though he often feels like he doesn't.  I'm pretty proud of him.

Quick re-cap

Ok- lets see if we can re-cap the last few months with a stack of pictures and nothing but a few sentences about each one.  

Our family drove to Twin Falls (actually Filer) about once a month to check up on our house that was for sale, but not sold.  The waiting, and trying to decide what to do was pretty awful.  And many days brought me so much stress I could hardly bare it.  But.  One of those trips we went to Shoshone Falls and walked around the park for a while.  I really do love that place.

In April we went to see the broadway musical "Wicked."  Only my mom and I had seen it before, and we had my parents, both my sisters with their husbands, and me and Parker.  I really enjoyed this play!  I actually think I enjoyed it more the second time!!

Easter came and went.  The kids got new church clothes.

I was in my first car accident.  I was rear-ended while waiting at a stop light.  I had my 2 little kids with me and a trunk full of groceries.  I had been spending my Friday mornings taking Angie and Garrett to their new daycare.   I spent about 4 consecutive Fridays going there and just playing with my kids for about an hour or so, just so they could get used to the new environment, before I had to start leaving them there every day.  So on this particular day, I had spent an hour at the new daycare, then ran to the grocery store and was headed home.  I didn't see the car coming or anything, I was just rammed in the back.  I am grateful it wasn't bad at all.  But the adrenaline and the tears still come no matter how minor it is.  And  seriously hope that never happens again.  It scared both of my kids pretty bad too.  My car still isn't fixed.

The upstairs bathroom flooded and started a new wave of re-modeling at my mom and dad's house.  We being the house guests, got to spend the next 8 weeks living in a construction zone.  Carpets were ripped out, walls were textured and painted, and we went without a couch to sit on for a long time.  We made good use of the porch swing, as long as it wasn't too cold outside. 

 We also learned that Garrett LOVES to help with the construction.  He likes to be RIGHT there in the action.   And most of that time, that means he's in your way.  

 Parker's work held a "Mud Mania" event, which was people bringing their trucks and driving them through the mud.  But there was hot dogs, cotton candy, free drinks and a bounce house for the kids.  We actually had a really good time.  

We attended cousin, Tyler's baptism.

Parker graduated from BSU with his 2nd bachelor's degree.  This one in Human Resource Management.

Our family took a day-trip to Idaho City to do some geocaching.

We got some ice cream, and I was genuinely surprised at how much fun the little trip was.

I had lots of parenting moments where I wanted to rip my hair out....or in this particular case....wanted to rip Angie's hair out.  This tangle in the comb took 15 minutes to get out.  How did she do that?!  The girl drives me crazy sometimes.  There is NEVER a dull moment with my little Angie.

Parker and I celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary.  Parker brought flowers to me at work.  We spent a night at the Hilton in the jacuzzi mezanine suite.  With a balcony view of the Temple.  Sorry, I didn't take pictures.

Parker's work had an employee appreciation party at Settler's Park.  They had catered ribs and briskett.  SOOO good!  Angie enjoyed the ribs as well!

Angie got her face painted.

And while we were at that party, we got a text from our Realtor telling us that an offer on our Filer house had been accepted.  We wouldn't be selling it for the price we had hoped for, but we would be selling it.  Finally.  

Garrett and Caleb had birthdays.  Garrett turned 2 on July 22nd, and Caleb turned 8 on July 25th.

And Caleb was Baptized by his father just yesterday.

We are so proud of our boy.  After he came up out of the water, Angie called out "Good Job Dad!"

Caleb told his daddy he wanted to go in and get baptized again.  I told him that once he turned 12 he could do baptisms for the dead and he would get to do it lots of times then.

We took Caleb to a lunch of his choice.  He said, "can we go to the place with the ribs for kids?"  Haa!  Yes son we can!  The place was Mickey Ray's, and Caleb did order ribs.  He even asked the waiter if he could have 3 ribs instead of 2 because it was his birthday.  The waiter threw on another for him no charge.   :)

Sorry this is so brief, but there's the highlights!

Come up for breath

It's been six months since my last post.  Did we fall off the face of the earth?  In some ways I feel like I did.  The last six months have been the most difficult of my entire life.  I don't mean to sit and tell a sob story.  I will try not to.  But I have faced some serious trials over the past several months, and it seems like it has all flown over in a huge blurr.  

My last post really describes the inner feelings that have been festering over the past several months.  I wrote it back in February and have left it unpublished for 4 months- Mostly because I don't want to make people feel sorry for me.  That was not my intent.  And I didn't want to make my husband feel bad. He has lived the struggle with me, and held me through the tears.  And I know that posts like that just make him feel bad.  So I didn't publish it.  But, it is also extremely descriptive of how I felt, and I want to have it out there.  I wrote that post at a low point, and even though I am not there now- I still feel like its important to remember what I went through.  So I'll post it at the same time as this one so it won't be the headline- but it will still be out there.

My family has been crammed into two bedrooms for six months. With nothing but our clothing and a few belongings that we brought from home.  Forget the lack of space.  Forget the construction that took over the already crowded house when the bathroom flooded.  Forget that we have changed jobs.  Forget that Parker went to school full time and then graduated over those months.  And forget that this has to be the hottest summer I've ever experienced in my life.  None of that even holds a candle to the emotional turmoil that our stupid house has brought me.  The emotional stress of debt.  Even though our lives have changed dramatically and in some ways it feels like we are starting over, I have never felt so caged.  So trapped.  So helpless.  I felt like we had lost our independence.  Our house was not selling, and every month we were throwing another thousand dollars at the house that we WEREN'T living in.  We are living with my parents- I wanted to start paying off our debts.  But instead we have been stuck in this stagnant cycle.  The last six months I have never been so angry at my husband.  I never imagined that I could feel so much anger towards him.  I won't lie- I didn't think it was possible.  But I have also never felt his love as strong as I do now.  And I never doubted that we would see each other  through these hard times.  It's like the tough times have brought us closer than I ever thought was possible.  That being said- I have been completely incapable to do anything more than the bare minimum- at anything.  And sometimes even less than that.  

Last week we finally got an offer on our house.  We made a counter- offer and they took it.  What's kinda funny is that the buyers were patients of mine in Twin Falls.  We asked to move up the closing date so we won't have to pay our mortgage in August.  We have written a debt snowball plan and even though we have to put some money on the table to get out of the house- it's finally going to be over!  I feel like I am finally able to come up for air after suffocating for six months.

I have made a resolve to try and stay positive- and also to not the trials rob me of my memories.  I will take more pictures, and I will start blogging again.  I want to remember these next 2 years.  We have a pretty crazy-awesome plan to get out of debt, and my parents have been so kind in offering to let us stay here as we do so.  It's gonna take discipline and sacrifice, and I am ready to dothat.  I know it is going to be hard, but I can't help but feel excited to actually start making progress towards Achieving our goals.  This kind of work is rewarding.  And motivating.  And I'm getting excited about our future, instead of worried.

Here's to a fresh start.

Working moms

The past few days I have felt overwhelmed by the stress that comes with being a working mom with young kids.  My life has been a whirlwind of change these past few months, and now I have been at my new job for about 6 weeks.  This job is such a blessing in my life. It's such a miracle that the Opportunity happened at all. But the hours are longer and the commute home with my little children is 45 minutes.  Sitting in traffic is such an unfair thief of time!  And it's so unfair that I only get 3 hours from the time I get off work till when they go to bed, and those 3 hours are the most difficult.  They're tired and hungry, and always cranky.

My kids have been in daycare since my first child was born.  I was a full-time student.  When Caleb was 4 weeks old I started  dental hygiene school.  And after graduation, I started working as soon as I got my license.  I've always been a working mom.  I've never known any different.  But it never gets easier.  I've been at it for 7 1/2 years.  And I can honestly say its just as hard now as it was when C was a tiny baby.  There's an enormous amount of guilt.  All the wishes that you have that never seem to come true, the first of which would be to be able to just stay home with them.  I wish I had more time.  There's no time for helping my 4 year old with pre- school (because working moms can't take them and then pick them up 2 hours later.). There's no time to help my 7 year old with his homework, even though he needs it desperately.  There's not even enough time to cook a good meal.  Because who wants to start cooking at 6:30 PM?  Who wants to cook ever?  But even though I hate doing it, I wish I could.... Because I can't.  I wish my kids could be involved in after sports or gymnastics...but how would they get there?  I wish, I wish, I wish.

But honestly, you get over it.  All those things that you can't do.  You can't spend much time feeling sorry for yourself....there IS no time.  But some days are just painful.  And there's no telling when one of those days will come, or how long it will last.  My heart aches to spend more time with them.  And when they cry or complain that they don't want you to leave, you're crying inside too.   It's painful to hear when your baby calls your babysitter "mama", or when you find out you've missed their first word.    But even all that isn't too bad if you don't let yourself think about it.  

But there's the panic you get when your babysitter tells you she can't take the kids tomorrow.  Or the awful guilt when your kid is sick, and you have to decide if you're going to call in sick so you can actually care for your sick child, or if dad will.  Or can someone else take them?  It's all so un-fun.  

Over these past 6 weeks I feel like I've had to re-learn how to be a working mom.  And I'm completely sucking at it.  I feel like my son is falling behind in school and I never have time to help him.  Quality family time is running to McDonalds for dinner.  Even though the kids just complain they're hungry after we get home.  Why did I just spend 20 bucks on dinner if I have to feed them when we get back?!! 

Last week I had an exhausting day of work.  I didn't get a lunch break,  and had to do root-planing on 2 people....one was at the end of the day.  By the end of the day I was spent.  And my kids (who are always happy and fine all day) all start crying the second we walk through the door.  I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed.  But I'm a mom.  It just doesn't work like that.  I've always thought that when work is too much for a mom, she should cut back.  Except I'm not working because I WANT to.....I have to.  There is no cutting back.  I just have to deal.  

Meanwhile I have gained about 10 lbs over the past 10 months.  I feel trapped inside this body, and this lifestyle.  I lost weight last year, and felt so good afterwards.... I just wish I had the power to do it again.  Right now I just can't.  And along with feeling guilty for not being there for my kids, I'm also feeling very insecure and sick with my own body.  How can I control what I eat when our dinners are short- order crap or casseroles? I have no time to cook healthy meals.

On Sunday, my visiting teachers came over.  It's the first visit I've had in years.  And apparently I needed it more than I realized.  They were asking me about what I do, and what my life is like.  I started talking about work, and feeling overwhelmed just talking about it.  But then one of those sisters informed me that she was a working mom for years.  I don't know why, but every time she started talking I was in tears.  She told me how she didn't fold laundry for over a year, how all of her memories of her young children were of them in the bathtub, because she was only home long enough to feed them, put them in the bath, and then put them to bed.  She told me about how her visiting teaching companion used to get frustrated with her because she always forgot to call and make her appointments.  And I just sat there and bawled my eyes out.  Then she said something that hit me like a brick wall.  She said, "now I know why I was called to be your visiting teacher."  And I completely lost it.  I had been feeling like nobody understands me.  Like nobody really realizes how hard it is to do what I do.  To wake my children at 6:15 each morning so that I can go to work.  And here she was, expressing the pain she felt all those years ago.  And I realized that The Lord puts people in our lives when we need them the most.  And my prayers (even the silent ones that I hardly even took the time to kneel down and utter) were still being heard.  And suddenly I didn't feel so alone and misunderstood.

Two Months at a Glance!

If I have any readers left....they may have noticed that my blog just went through the longest dead-spell in its entire history.  I've gone almost exactly two months without a post.  And there are a lot of reasons for that.  Some huge changes, including new jobs and moving in with my parents (in their house already full with my sister, Anna, and her family in the basement).  My life has been so busy, there's no hope to catch up all the details that have been missed on this blog.  So here's my feeble attempt to throw on a few pictures and hope they can tell the story that I never will.  

Below are some pictures of Thanksgiving.  The night before thanksgiving we did "pie night."  Awesome idea, thank you Beal family for that one.  Eat the pies BEFORE thanksgiving, because you're always too full to have some on thanksgiving day anyway!  We had pumpkin, cocoanut cream pie, cherry cheesecake, chocolate cream, and apple.  ALL HOMEMADE.  Soo good!  So much fun.

The garage was emptied for the kids.  We laid down carpet, brought out all the toys and space heaters, and let all 12 grandchildren go crazy.  It was a great way to give us space in the already crowded house.  And the kids thought it was awesome.

Thanksgiving dinner was at 3 tables stretched along the living room.  It was such a nice set-up.  I just think my mom was so awesome for making such an awesome dinner and beautiful tables for SO MANY people.

Back home in Filer, my days were spent either at work, or with my kids.  Parker worked in Boise, and we usually went up there for the weekend.  Decorating for Christmas was a little sentimental for me. Our last Christmas in our house.  Five Christmases.  My kids have grown so much over that time.  And we have managed to transform our property from being an eye-sore into something beautiful.  Our back yard, that started as nothing but weeds, now a place for the kids to play.  There were things that I will miss so much about our home.