STOP

The past couple weeks have been pretty hard ones.  I think I've been pretty blessed in my life so far, and even though I've done hard things (like go to school with a newborn baby, or send my kids to daycare while I go to work 4 days a week, or give my time to church callings during the evening when I've spent a whole day at work, and my husband still isn't home from HIS job so I take the kids with me) I think for the most part I handle it pretty well.  Maybe my skin is just getting thicker, but the hard things that I do day-to-day haven't left me feeling down and depressed.....and most days I really feel like I love my life, and I love my job, and most importantly I love being a mom. 

The last few weeks, I have NOT felt this way though.  My first instinct is to blame it on other things.  Mostly my husband working so many hours (with a 1 hour commute home each day).  It makes things so hard to have him gone, and so many days I just wish there was someone there to lighten the load.  But I know it's more than that.  The way I have been feeling lately could be partly blamed on that, but I know the majority of it is just me.  Somewhere along the road I've forgotten to take some important steps.  To care for myself.  The thing I forget to care for the most is my spirit.  I forget to pray, and I don't read the scriptures like I should.  But other days, I don't care for my heart.  Some days I need one-on-one time with my husband, and some days I need to go to the temple, and some days I need to just go shopping WITHOUT CHILDREN.  All of this, eventually made me feel like I had too much on my plate.  And I felt like I was on the verge of rage at every moment.  And my children, who test my patience on a minute-by-minute basis, were starting to cry BEFORE I even yelled at them. I heard wrappers rustling in the pantry, followed by the spill of chocolate milk mix one evening, and yelled from my bedroom, "What just spilled?!" followed by, "I'm sorry...." and then tears. 
Frustration was piling on top of me.  They don't listen if I'm not yelling!  They fight, and argue, and don't eat their food.  The biggest thing that stood out to me was the way my 7-year-old was talking to his little sister.  And to me.  He was yelling at his sister about everything!  And days when I noticed that he could be all-out rude.  It seemed like he was getting a pretty short fuse.  And I realized he had to be learning it from someone.  It was me.  There were days when Parker would come home, and I was yelling at the kids for this and that, and he would stop me.  "It's ok, they're just kids."  I didn't even realize I had a problem until somebody shared this link on their facebook page:
  
10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling

Reading this article made me cry my eyes out.  And I started the resolve to change. But then I quickly forgot.  Then about a week later there was a talk in sacrament meeting, where a sister actually spoke about this exact article and how it helped her change to be more kind and loving.  We had a particularly rough evening that day, when dad and mom were both on a rampage.  And that night somebody shared this article:

The Important Thing About Yelling

This one was the straw to break the camel's back.  I felt so awful.  And I made a resolution to stop yelling.

I'm learning that this challenge is really for my son too.  I have to remind him to not yell just about as often as I remind myself.  And believe me, I think I fail every day.  But it's not an overnight switch.  It's a process.  And I know that as long as I am TRYING to be better, that I'm that much better than I was....even if I still slip up and yell a few times each day.  It's so hard.  I've had to explain to my children that just because I'm not going to yell doesn't mean I'm not going to teach you when you did something wrong.  And their wrong choices still have consequences.  But that consequence will not be me raising my voice.  I have to remember that I can't lose my patience over mistakes.  Children make mistakes.  And I know I do too. 

I've made a resolve to take better care of myself too.  To strengthen my faith, and to make sure I spend quality time with my husband (and not just give him what's left after being exhausted from being a mom each day).  My husband is trying to yell less too, and I am so grateful to have someone to help me through this.  I've also started doing my grocery shopping at 6:00 AM on pay-day before daddy goes to work.  I get home just in time for him to leave, and although I really do HATE 6:00 in the morning, I hate losing my patience at the grocery store even more.  And my oldest has REALLY started to like this change.  He told me he hates grocery shopping because "You always yell at us."  You think?!  They ask for things, and hang on the cart, and step on my toes, and pull things off the shelves, and ask for treats, and of course I yell at them.  It's such a nightmare!  But shopping in the morning completely removes this issue from the table, and I like it as much as they do. 

I really hope you took a second to read the articles in the links that I shared in this post.  I really feel like they helped me so much.  I am only getting started, but I already feel so much better by trying to be more loving.