On Our Own

Parker started his new job on October 3rd.  He spends his week-days in Boise and stays at my mom and dad's house.  And the kids and I are still in Twin Falls.  The first couple weeks of this new routine was an emotional roller-coaster.  It's interesting how different it feels, even though in some ways it's not.  With Parker's job in Jackpot, there were MANY days when he would work late and come home after the kids had gone to bed.  But for some reason, doing it all "on my own" is different.  My best friend doesn't come home at all.  I have no adult to talk to after the kids have gone to bed.  I don't have the companionship I need.  I used to have days when I thought to myself, "I can do this on my own."  (You know, those days when you feel like you're doing everything yourself anyway).....I know.....a terrible thought.  I used to think I did so much on my own, because he worked so much.  Guess what people?  I had no idea how lonely "on my own" really is.  And ever since he started working in Boise, I have realized that HE is the reason for so much of what I do.  And HE is the one who makes me happy.  Of course my children bring me so much joy, but it's incomplete without him.  And it took me several weeks to get accustomed to this new routine.  I don't think I could ever get used to this permanently (and thank heavens I don't have to).  But I was at least able to make it through a few days in a row without crying.

I reverted to "survival mode" at home.  The kids received every "cop-out" meal I could think of.  Chicken nuggets.  Grilled cheese.  Chef Boyardee raviolis and canned green beans.  Microwave burritos.  Cold cereal.  Pancakes.  Ramen. (see below)

 

Fast food.  Turns out there's a big reason that I cook.  And it's not to feed my children.  It's for my husband.  I love making something that he loves!  And when you work all day, and come home to the house with 3 children and no husband......good food gets put on the back burner.  I quit going to Relief Society activities, and hanging out with friends.  Anything that would require more work for me was put to an end.  

Survival mode also included lots of TV and sticking Garrett in the high chair with junk food so that he wouldn't terrorize the house while I try to help Caleb with his homework.  (Which, by the way, I shouldn't really be doing....apparently math has changed since I was in school).  See below.

So, apparently I'm getting schooled in 2nd grade math.  The correct answer is "C" by the way (incase you couldn't figure it out like I couldn't).  
Garrett got his first haircut.  Shanna (our babysitter's sister) cut his hair for me.  This photo was taken just before his haircut.  I confess, I think I let it go a little longer than I should have....but his curls hid the length so well, I never realized exactly how long it was until Shasta put it in a ponytail that day!

Not long after Parker left, Garrett started saying "Daddy."  He says it whenever he hears his voice, even if it's just over the speaker phone.  And he always gets very excited.  "Daddy?!  Daddy?!"  He even says it when he first wakes up in the morning when he's waiting for somebody to come and get him. 

I've had to make a very special conscious effort to be patient with my children.  And usually Caleb is the one to remind me when I'm not, because he's the first to get offended when I raise my voice.  He's also the first to raise his voice back.  I've been trying to make him understand that telling him what to do (even if it is "stop it", or "go to bed") does not mean I'm yelling at him.  But I confess, I do more yelling than I should too.  Below is a picture of Angie, testing my patience..... 

It's a dress!  Made out of Daddy's ties!  What you don't see in this picture is behind that door, are the REST of daddy's ties that have been pulled down from their "tie-hanger" and scattered all over the closet floor.  But yes, the dress is beautiful Angie.

There's never the option to leave the kids at the house while I make a quick trip to the store.  Wherever I go, THEY go.  This summer I loved getting my grocery shopping done while everybody was still asleep at 6:00 in the morning.  Not an option now.  I've actually managed to do my grocery shopping on days I've gotten off 30-60 minutes early at the end of the day.  (Which happens sometimes, but I never know WHEN it's going to happen until it does).  And I'll just go to the store before picking up the kids at the end of the day.  So far, for most trips, I've managed to avoid packing them all into the store......except this day pictured below.  Yay for miniature shopping carts!

Halloween came so quickly.  And it went just as quickly.  Since it fell on a week-night, Parker couldn't be home for trick-or-treating.  I am so grateful that his parents decided to come out to Filer that evening.  Claudia took the kids out in the neighborhood, and Paul sat on the porch with little Garrett and handed out candy.  All I did was order pizza and spend almost the entire evening on the phone with Parker.  

I know, I should have taken more pictures.  Daddy didn't even get to see them in their costumes!  This one was the only one I got, and it was actually taken a couple of days before halloween.  But, remember people, SURVIVAL MODE here!  I had so much on my mind that night, that taking pictures really was not on my priority list (even if it should have been).  

Parker's office had a costume contest.  He had very limited resources to work with (since he wasn't at home) and at the last minute came up with this nerdy costume:

You wanna know what people said about it?

"Why didn't you dress up Parker?"

Yep.  He's a nerd anyway I guess. :)

Halloween is always a time when I like to challenge my pumpkin carving skills.  And every year, I manage to get better and better.  This year my pumpkin was going to be EPIC!  The best yet!  I spent days picking out the perfect carving!  And I even made sure I could draw it before attempting to carve:

I was pretty proud of my drawing.  If I can draw this, I can definitely carve it into a pumpkin.  Guess what?  Turns out I can't.  I spent one evening and stayed up till midnight.  I finished the carving, and it was terrible.  It did NOT look like the drawing.  And I was so upset, I threw the whole thing in the trash and that was the end of it.  I guess I'll try again next year.  And by then hopefully I'll only bite off what I know I can chew.

I also made the last minute decision to dress up to work.  Any chance to not wear scrubs to work right?! I found Parker's old baseball uniform, and wore it to work.  

We had some sick kids in the beginning of November.  I missed only one day of work, and we had fevers for Angie AND Garrett.  

Survival mode has meant lots of nights that go un-accounted for.  The kids go to bed at 8:00-8:30....and sometimes I don't go to bed till midnight.  What do I do?!  I don't really know.  It seems like I just get to going with what I want to do, and all of the sudden it's late.  I should have all the time in the world without a husband to give attention to in the evenings.....but I don't feel like I do.  Perfect example, this blog.  This post has taken me 6 weeks to write.  Sometimes I read.  Sometimes I watch TV.  Sometimes I just sit and mess with my phone.  The honest truth is, I'm hardly productive.  Why clean all this up when I can do it tomorrow when everything will be exactly the same then, whether I do it or not?.  It turns out my husband is a great source of motivation for me.  I don't want to do much of anything without him here.  

The days are slow.  And I have never been this stressed in my life.  It seems kind of pathetic when I think about it.  Stressed about what?  My life is really not hard in comparison to so many other people who have it worse than me.  But it is so hard to feel this way.  Powerless to change my circumstance.  The house is for sale.  And I've given my resume to nearly 100 doctors and had no interviews.  No job postings are EVER listed, and I check at least twice a day on at least 5 websites.  So yeah.  The days get pretty long, when you want nothing more than to have your family together again, and the only thing you can do to accomplish that....is wait.  

Parker is constantly encouraging me to stay positive.  I don't know how he does it.  On our first date he told me he was one of the happiest people I would ever meet.  I definitely can see it at this point in our lives, because even though I know he's lonely too....it really does seem like nothing gets him down.  He's just constantly trying to cheer me up.  I understand that the Lord's timing is always the best.  But spending every day just waiting and waiting for something to happen.  To get a call about the house.  To get a call about a job.  And neither ever happens.  

But Parker is positive and patient, and I guess I can be too.  But it's a daily effort for me.  Sometimes an effort for every MINUTE.  But as the weeks are turning to months, I'm starting to feel more okay with not knowing what's going to happen next.