Parker's job at Cactus Pete's was getting us down pretty bad. Parker was frustrated, because he was working long hours, was under a lot of pressure to complete a large number of tasks, and certain people in certain positions above him were making his life miserable. The other managers used him as a scapegoat for reasons they didn't have work done. And about a month ago he was given his performance review (which he has always done fairly well on) and he was given.....very bad (and extremely unfair) scores. The review was kinda the straw to break the camel's back. He hardly spoke for almost two days, because he was so upset about it but didn't want to talk about it either.
On my end, (and I'm sure you've noticed from previous blog posts) things weren't much better either. He left for work before me, and came home at different times every night. Sometimes (VERY RARELY) he'd get off at 5:00-5:30 and was home around 6:00. Most nights he wasn't. And sometimes wouldn't even get off till after 7:00 PM. Don't forget he had a 1 hour drive home too! Evening activities like Caleb's t-ball, Relief Society activities, and other church functions I always had the same dilemma. I would call Parker at work. "I have to go visiting teaching tonight after work, can you make it home by 6 so I won't have to take the kids?" and the reply was always the same, "I'll try." Sometimes he made it. But so often, he'd get caught up doing this or that and then, with the commute home, I just ended up packing the kids everywhere I went. It's not like he didn't WANT to be there. It was particularly difficult in t-ball season. Parker wants to be there to teach his son the game that he loves so much. But he just couldn't. I was getting pretty frustrated. There were about 2 or 3 job changes in the HR department over the past year, when we really thought Parker would be the candidate to get to move up. The most recent one, I had such high hopes that I fasted and prayed that he would get the promotion. It never happened. "She" who must not be named said she didn't like Parker's "style." Whatever that means. Meanwhile, things have continued to change in the HR department at Pete's. When Parker started, he had holidays off. About a year and a half ago they (or rather....SHE.....) decided that since the casino is a 24-7 operation, 365 days a year.....HR workers were now expected to work holidays. Oh sure, you could spend Christmas with your family.....as long as you took a vacation day. So.....there goes half of his vacation time making up for holidays that he used to have off. It was becoming quite clear that his career path did NOT have a future at the casino. After the performance review, Parker started looking for a new job. Only a couple weeks later he got an e-mail about a position in Boise. The Auto Auction out by Gowen Field was looking for a new HR guy. The e-mail was sent out to students in the HR program at BSU, most of those students did not have working experience. Parker did. He had a phone interview, and then 2 days later an in-person interview. Just a couple of hours after his first interview, they called him and told him the interview went well and that they would like to have one more interview in a couple days. It was at THAT interview that they offered him a new job. The offer also included 3 scheduled salary raises, as well as the promise to be HR Manager by 1016. Wow. A future! All of the sudden I was grateful for those un-answered prayers. And to move to Boise! After ten years I finally get to go back to my home-town! The emotions that hit me were a HUGE mixture. I was so grateful! And Parker was so excited! And so relieved!
The new job means for some other huge changes in our lives. The most complicated of which, involves selling our house. And the other (and possibly MORE complicated issue....I haven't decided what's worse yet....it depends on the moment) would be for me to find a job in the Treasure Valley. The Boise area is completely SATURATED with dental hygienists. I mean, there is NO work. There's a dental hygiene school up there (Cerrington college) that cranks out loads of girls every semester. Now, all of these new graduates have at least 50,000 dollars in debt and only an associates degree. I know that my 5 years of experience and Bachelor's degree will hopefully bring my resume to the top of the piles....but the honest truth is that most of the jobs are filled before they're even advertised. It's going to take PERFECT timing to find a job. And there's only so much that I can do while I'm here in Twin Falls. But I can't exactly just quit my job when there's a mortgage to pay either. So it's a waiting game. What will come first? A job? Or a buyer for the house? So far we haven't even had any showings on the house. It's been on the market for a month now.
Every moment is a rush of conflicting emotions. Along with the stress of selling the house, me finding a job, and the omni-present fact that we are MOVING....Parker started his new job on Monday, and I have to live without him during the week. He's been staying at my mom and dad's house and then he'll come home on the weekends. Monday I did pretty good. Tuesday was extremely difficult. I found out that a position I'd applied for had been filled. And then I started missing Parker so much, that I pretty much cried most of the afternoon. My last 2 patients of the day were extremely difficult for me. Behind my mask I had constant tears dripping from my eyes. I told my patients that I had allergies to explain all the sniffling. When in reality, I just couldn't get it under control. I had to stop working 2 times on each patient to get up and go into the bathroom to blow my nose and wipe my tears. Allergies. If only. There were moments when I was convinced I was going to have to go tell Dr. Thompson that I couldn't keep it together anymore, and I just needed to go home. But I eventually made it through, and when I finally climbed into my car, I just sat and bawled for 10 minutes before actually pulling out of the parking lot.
This particular post has taken me nearly 3 weeks to write. It really is the last thing I want to do right now. Sit and write about the stress and changes that have happened over the past month. I have days when I think to myself, "I'm ok....I can do this for a while." Then there are days when I just miss Parker so much, I can't even find the motivation to feed my children, let alone myself. Every night after the kids go to bed I watch movies while lying in my bed. My feet are freezing every night, and that may sound like a stupid reason to get upset, but it's just one more thing to make me realize how much I miss Parker. If he were next to me, I would warm up in minutes. But I lie there for 45 minutes to an hour (and sometimes longer) and I just never warm up.
The house has been on the market for a month and we haven't had a single showing. Yesterday we lowered the price, but we really can't go much lower. It's already very likely that we are going to have to pay money to get out of this house. Especially if the buyers ask us to pay closing costs (which I'm almost certain they will.....we did). It just seems so wrong. Pay money to sell your house.
Every morning before walking into work, I put my car in park and say a prayer with the engine running. It's really the only time when I'm alone and don't have children to care for, and I'm not sleeping. I know this is a trial of faith. And Elder Holland's words from conference, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." keep echoing in my mind. I'm trying to stay faithful. I know so many people go through things like this all the time. And I know we'll make it through, but there are days when it's just so hard. I have moments when I think to myself that we should just put renters in the house so I can actually be together with my husband. Maybe THAT'S the kind of act of faith that I need to do. But at the same time, I've heard so many horror stories of houses taking years to sell, and renters that have completely trashed their houses. I don't know.
I know Parker's job was such a big blessing. And an answer to my prayers. It was something I've been asking for for a long time. But with it has brought a very uncertain future, and it's so hard to be okay with not knowing what will happen. But I guess that's what faith is. And we're moving forward. One little moment at a time.
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