Grasshopper

Two days ago my work schedule was kinda pathetic.  I had so many cancellations that I ended up going home for a 3 hour lunch break.  While I was at home, I decided to go outside and cut some roses to put on the table.  I went out back to my big pink rosebush and cut a few.  Then I noticed a bunch of dead blossoms, so I started dead-heading.  I then went through the house and out to the front yard to see if there were any roses on my white rose-bush.  While walking through the lawn, I noticed that the grass was still wet from when the sprinklers came on this morning.  I felt something cold on my pantleg, around my left knee.  I didn't think anything of it.....the grass was wet.  Maybe somehow my pants got a little wet.  Then I go into the house, and I go into the bathroom.  As I'm sitting on the toilet, I decided to find out what was feeling cold on my pantleg.  I started looking for a wet spot.  Then as I started feeling around I felt something solid.

AHH!

My heart-rate picked up a bit.  What could it be?  I start playing back the rose-cutting in my head.  Maybe one of the dead-heads got into my pants?

No.....that couldn't be possible.  So.  I start FRANTICLY shaking my pant-leg to get WHATEVER IT IS out.  Then to my horror.  Out comes this GRASSHOPPER the size of my THUMB!

I SCREAMED and jumped backwards (also flapping my hands and dancing like a little girl).  People.  I HATE grasshoppers.  They just JUMP with no direction, and could easily land on my face or in my hair.  Not to mention, they are somehow able to have a kind of "grip" with those creepy legs, once they DO land on you. 

So.  I finally stopped screaming and tried to figure out my next move. 

 I'm not gonna step on it.

Because if I did manage to get my foot over it before it jumped and latched onto my face, I would STILL have to listen to it's body crunch and crack on my bathroom floor.  No thank you. 

I seriously considered shutting the bathroom door and leaving it in there until Parker got home.  Then HE could kill it.  But.  There was always this chance that it would go off and hide somewhere, or get out of the bathroom, and then we'd have this enormous grasshopper roaming around the house.  No.  That wasn't an option either.  I was going to have to kill it.

So I went and got the fly swatter.  I was going to have to hit it hard....because it was just so big.  And I was gonna have to be fast, so it wouldn't jump up on me. 

I swung the fly swatter with all my might and hit it right there on the floor. 

A huge stream of guts was coming out of it's butt.....but ht still wasn't dead.  But.  At least he couldn't jump anymore.

Now I have to get rid of it.

I'm certainly not going to touch it. 

I got a HUGE wad of toilet paper- so I wouldn't have to feel its creepy body underneath the tissue.  Then I wiped it up (guts and all) and threw it into the toilet and flushed it.

 

Don't ask me HOW that huge thing got into my PANTS!  I was outside for a total of like 3 minutes! 

And now I am even MORE creeped out about grasshoppers, because apparently they can sneak into your clothing and take a free ride into your house.