Fat

After about 3 weeks with no updates in the "90 day challenge" department, I decided to let everybody assume whatever they wanted to assume. Either I was still at it and quit blogging about it (I WISH that were the case) or I'd quit all together, and just never said anything. Well, it's true I quit. It all happened about the same time that school started for Caleb. And with Fall creeping in, I was no longer running in the morning sun. Around the time I quit, it was dark when I started and dark when I finished. I can't believe how much harder it got!! During this time, we also had some things going on with our back yard.....and honestly though it's nothing more than a garb of "EXCUSES"......they began to pile up. It's just too hard I would tell myself everytime I thought about it. And I LIKE to run outside. I DO NOT enjoy working out inside the house. And I don't exactly feel very safe running in the dark. Morning or night. I'm busy! I work! My kids are little! My son just started school. I'm lucky if I can make a meal at the end of the day, let alone fit in a 30 minute workout. It's something I SHOULD do, but at this point in my life it's just not possible.

But here's something that HAS happened in the last 3 weeks. All those inches that I've lost...... well they're back. No I haven't measured. I'm too ashamed. But I can feel it. And I hate it. All those size 8 jeans sitting in my drawer that I was SO CLOSE to fitting into. Now I'm back where I started. Everything is tight. And for lack of a better word, I just feel FAT. I'm sorry to be graphic, but the roll on my waist that presents itself every time I sit just makes me feel...... so awful. I know my size and the challenge it presents IS NOTHING compared to what so many others have to deal with. But it's an honest dilema for me, and it weighs on my mind heavily.

THE ABSALUTE WORST part about all of this, is that when I decide to get back with the program.....I will be back at square one. That alone was a HUGE reason to keep going. But I didn't. Now when I run, I'll be out of breath. My lungs will burn. And I will feel like I have to slow down and walk.....either that or die. And for the first week I will be sore. The first week is painful. And SO un-fun.

But I see other women, thin and toned. Most have had at least 2 children as well (the onces I compare myself to). If they can do it why can't I? LOOK AT HER! Does she have to try as hard as I do? Most likely not. But forget about comparing myself to others. Everybody knows you're not supposed to do that. If there's anything that will get me back into this, it's the way I feel about myself. And there are times, when the way I feel is nothing short of disgusted. I have the makings of a double-chin (shut up. It's MY blog.) I notice in some pictures of myself, and every time I look in the mirror. And my waist. The constant reminder that I am NOT where I want to be. 2 kids is NO excuse.

So now, I have to turn this.....blah feeling.....into motivation. Again. Parker keeps telling me he'll get up with me at 6:00 (seriously....it's really NOT that early. But when you're a night-owl it truly feels like it) and he'll either work-out with me or do homework. Maybe if I can get him to commit......I can get myself back to where I was. But even without him.....I've gotta do this. Because hating myself for quitting- is no way to live.