Melodies of Christmas

So Sunday night, as I was driving home back to Filer after spending the weekend in Boise with my husband, the kids noticed some Christmas lights that had been put on subdivision trees on Eagle Rd.  Caleb and Angie got so excited, and started pointing out any Christmas lights they could find.  And Caleb asked if we could listen to some Christmas music.  I decided, as long as it's GOOD Christmas music, and not something totally obnoxious that's gonna make me sick of it before Thanksgiving even gets here.  I found my "Michael Buble" Christmas songs and played a few. 

The kids fell asleep before we even got to the borders of Boise, and I was left listening to my Christmas music in silence.  As the drive went on, I started ignoring the music and became lost in thought (as I often do ever since Parker's new job came along and turned our lives into craziness and uncertainty).  But then another song came on, and I realized the Michael Buble songs were over, and I was now listening to a song that had words that hit me like a brick wall.  And I don't even know why.  "Melodies of Christmas" by David Archuleta.  Have you ever heard it?  The lyrics aren't like insanely profound or anything, but there was one line that just suddenly made me start crying (go ahead and think I'm crazy....but it doesn't take much to make me cry these days).

"Carols of old, of the greatest story ever told..."

That's it.  That one line, and all the sudden I'm bawling.  What?  As I sat there trying to figure out why the heck I was crying I started trying to compare.  IS it the greatest story ever told?  I ran through all the bedtime stories, all the awesome books I've read.  But it's true.  Nothing even comes close to the story of Jesus's birth at Christmas.  Why?  I think we all know the answer.  It's not the story itself, but the message that comes with it.  Jesus Christ, who was perfect and greater than us all.  The only begotten son of our Heavenly Father made a choice.  And his choice was for us.  He chose to leave his thrones and greatness in heaven, and come to earth as a baby.  A tiny baby.  Who needs constant care, and nourishment.  Remember in 1 Nephi 11 when Nephi is praying to know the meaning of his father's vision?  An angel appears to him and shows him what?  Do you remember?  Nephi sees the city of Nazareth and a virgin.  Then the Spirit asks him something.  "Knowest thou the condescension of God?"  Nephi continues to see this vision, and is told that the virgin is the mother of the Son of God.  "And I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms."  It is after this vision that the angel asks Nephi, "Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?"  And after seeing the vision, and understanding its significance, Nephi finally understands and answers, "Yea, it is the love of God..."

 

The message of Christmas is the Love of God, and is "the most desirable above all things."  The GREATEST story EVER told!  Jesus Christ left his glorified kingdom in Heaven to come to earth as a baby, to grow as we do and when the time came, to atone for our sins, to give His life, and become our Savior.  As I'm thinking all of this, the bridge of the song came, and the words made me want to shout and sing along.

"Raise your voice!  Let us sing!  It's the message that these songs can bring!  Round the fire, round the tree, singing carols merrily!" 

"Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!"

I felt peace in that moment that I have not felt in weeks.  The peace that I have been praying for each day.  The calm that steadies your heart and vanishes your fears, even though my future feels so uncertain.  Even though I've felt so lonely and worried over the past six weeks.  I realized that God will never abandon me.  These last few weeks I have spent so much time praying, but sometimes I had these doubts.  I never doubted if God could answer my prayer.  I've always known He's there, and he's all-powerful.  But I had times when I wondered if he would.  Why would God take the trouble to answer my pathetic little prayers.  My trials are so small compared to so many people.  I tell myself all the time, "Pull yourself together!  It's just moving."  I'm not suffering grief, or true pain, or loss.  My husband gets a new job....a BETTER job, and I think my life is so hard?  Yeah.  My trials are nothing.  And I know that.  So why would God answer my prayers, when I'll most likely survive anyway?.....  Because he does.  Because of the message of Christmas.  Because he loves us all.  Not just the ones who have suffered death, or addiction, or sickness, or those who I would think warrant blessings from Him the most.....but all of us.  Even little me.  Even the mother of 3 who feels like it's such a trial to pack up her things, sell her home, and move to a different city. 

That is the love of God.  And it reaches us all.  Even to those of us who don't deserve it.  The peace that followed helped me to realize I CAN get through this.  Even if I have to continue to live apart from my husband for a few more weeks.  Even if we have to continue to wait to find a buyer for our house.  I can get through it because Christmas is coming.  And I will have all the beautiful lights and trees, and "melodies of Christmas" to remind me of the love of God.

 

 After this sobbing realization, I wanted more Christmas music.  Not songs of Santa and presents.  I have always been pretty strict about no Christmas until after Thanksgiving.  But in that moment, I realized that Christmas music is always appropriate if you are feeling the Spirit.  I skipped through my playlist and listened to every Christian Christmas song I had.  Not the ones about frosty, or Santa, but just the ones about Christ.  And I continued to cry almost the entire drive home.  Not tears of sadness.  But tears of joy.  Of relief and peace.  I'm ready for Christmas early this year.  And that's ok.  Because the message of Christmas is year-round.  The love of God. 



A BIG CHANGE!

Parker's job at Cactus Pete's was getting us down pretty bad.  Parker was frustrated, because he was working long hours, was under a lot of pressure to complete a large number of tasks, and certain people in certain positions above him were making his life miserable.  The other managers used him as a scapegoat for reasons they didn't have work done.  And about a month ago he was given his performance review (which he has always done fairly well on) and he was given.....very bad (and extremely unfair) scores.  The review was kinda the straw to break the camel's back.  He hardly spoke for almost two days, because he was so upset about it but didn't want to talk about it either.

On my end, (and I'm sure you've noticed from previous blog posts) things weren't much better either.  He left for work before me, and came home at different times every night.  Sometimes (VERY RARELY) he'd get off at 5:00-5:30 and was home around 6:00.  Most nights he wasn't.  And sometimes wouldn't even get off till after 7:00 PM.  Don't forget he had a 1 hour drive home too!  Evening activities like Caleb's t-ball, Relief Society activities, and other church functions I always had the same dilemma.  I would call Parker at work.  "I have to go visiting teaching tonight after work, can you make it home by 6 so I won't have to take the kids?"  and the reply was always the same, "I'll try."  Sometimes he made it.  But so often, he'd get caught up doing this or that and then, with the commute home, I just ended up packing the kids everywhere I went.  It's not like he didn't WANT to be there.  It was particularly difficult in t-ball season.  Parker wants to be there to teach his son the game that he loves so much.  But he just couldn't.  I was getting pretty frustrated.  There were about 2 or 3 job changes in the HR department over the past year, when we really thought Parker would be the candidate to get to move up.  The most recent one, I had such high hopes that I fasted and prayed that he would get the promotion.  It never happened.  "She" who must not be named said she didn't like Parker's "style."  Whatever that means.  Meanwhile, things have continued to change in the HR department at Pete's.  When Parker started, he had holidays off.  About a year and a half ago they (or rather....SHE.....) decided that since the casino is a 24-7 operation, 365 days a year.....HR workers were now expected to work holidays.  Oh sure, you could spend Christmas with your family.....as long as you took a vacation day.  So.....there goes half of his vacation time making up for holidays that he used to have off.  It was becoming quite clear that his career path did NOT have a future at the casino.  After the performance review, Parker started looking for a new job.  Only a couple weeks later he got an e-mail about a position in Boise.  The Auto Auction out by Gowen Field was looking for a new HR guy.  The e-mail was sent out to students in the HR program at BSU, most of those students did not have working experience.  Parker did.  He had a phone interview, and then 2 days later an in-person interview.  Just a couple of hours after his first interview, they called him and told him the interview went well and that they would like to have one more interview in a couple days.  It was at THAT interview that they offered him a new job.  The offer also included 3 scheduled salary raises, as well as the promise to be HR Manager by 1016.  Wow.  A future!  All of the sudden I was grateful for those un-answered prayers.  And to move to Boise!  After ten years I finally get to go back to my home-town!  The emotions that hit me were a HUGE mixture.  I was so grateful!  And Parker was so excited!  And so relieved!

The new job means for some other huge changes in our lives.  The most complicated of which, involves selling our house.  And the other (and possibly MORE complicated issue....I haven't decided what's worse yet....it depends on the moment) would be for me to find a job in the Treasure Valley.  The Boise area is completely SATURATED with dental hygienists.  I mean, there is NO work.  There's a dental hygiene school up there (Cerrington college) that cranks out loads of girls every semester.  Now, all of these new graduates have at least 50,000 dollars in debt and only an associates degree.  I know that my 5 years of experience and Bachelor's degree will hopefully bring my resume to the top of the piles....but the honest truth is that most of the jobs are filled before they're even advertised.  It's going to take PERFECT timing to find a job.  And there's only so much that I can do while I'm here in Twin Falls.  But I can't exactly just quit my job when there's a mortgage to pay either.  So it's a waiting game.  What will come first?  A job?  Or a buyer for the house?  So far we haven't even had any showings on the house.  It's been on the market for a month now.

Every moment is a rush of conflicting emotions.  Along with the stress of selling the house, me finding a job, and the omni-present fact that we are MOVING....Parker started his new job on Monday, and I have to live without him during the week.  He's been staying at my mom and dad's house and then he'll come home on the weekends.  Monday I did pretty good.  Tuesday was extremely difficult.  I found out that a position I'd applied for had been filled.  And then I started missing Parker so much, that I pretty much cried most of the afternoon.  My last 2 patients of the day were extremely difficult for me.  Behind my mask I had constant tears dripping from my eyes.  I told my patients that I had allergies to explain all the sniffling.  When in reality, I just couldn't get it under control.  I had to stop working 2 times on each patient to get up and go into the bathroom to blow my nose and wipe my tears.  Allergies.  If only.  There were moments when I was convinced I was going to have to go tell Dr. Thompson that I couldn't keep it together anymore, and I just needed to go home.  But I eventually made it through, and when I finally climbed into my car, I just sat and bawled for 10 minutes before actually pulling out of the parking lot. 

This particular post has taken me nearly 3 weeks to write.  It really is the last thing I want to do right now.  Sit and write about the stress and changes that have happened over the past month.  I have days when I think to myself, "I'm ok....I can do this for a while."  Then there are days when I just miss Parker so much, I can't even find the motivation to feed my children, let alone myself.  Every night after the kids go to bed I watch movies while lying in my bed.  My feet are freezing every night, and that may sound like a stupid reason to get upset, but it's just one more thing  to make me realize how much I miss Parker.  If he were next to me, I would warm up in minutes.  But I lie there for 45 minutes to an hour (and sometimes longer) and I just never warm up.

The house has been on the market for a month and we haven't had a single showing.  Yesterday we lowered the price, but we really can't go much lower.  It's already very likely that we are going to have to pay money to get out of this house.  Especially if the buyers ask us to pay closing costs (which I'm almost certain they will.....we did).  It just seems so wrong.  Pay money to sell your house. 

Every morning before walking into work, I put my car in park and say a prayer with the engine running.  It's really the only time when I'm alone and don't have children to care for, and I'm not sleeping.  I know this is a trial of faith.  And Elder Holland's words from conference, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." keep echoing in my mind.  I'm trying to stay faithful.  I know so many people go through things like this all the time.  And I know we'll make it through, but there are days when it's just so hard.  I have moments when I think to myself that we should just put renters in the house so I can actually be together with my husband.  Maybe THAT'S the kind of act of faith that I need to do.  But at the same time, I've heard so many horror stories of houses taking years to sell, and renters that have completely trashed their houses.  I don't know. 

I know Parker's job was such a big blessing.  And an answer to my prayers.  It was something I've been asking for for a long time.  But with it has brought a very uncertain future, and it's so hard to be okay with not knowing what will happen.  But I guess that's what faith is.  And we're moving forward.  One little moment at a time.

Fall begins and CRAZY weather!

This fall has brought some crazy weather!  This video is of a severe rain/hail/wind storm we had at the beginning of September.  I have honestly never seen anything like this in Idaho.  I submitted this video to KTVB at 9:40 in an e-mail and it showed up on the 10:00 news that night!  I was pretty excited!  This storm was only like this in Filer!  Twin Falls (only 6 miles away) got some wind and rain, but the wind/rain and HAIL at these speeds only hit us in little Filer.  It pretty much destroyed my garden.  This fall has also brought lots of fires (especially in the Wood River Valley) that created some pretty spectacular sunsets.

Below here is a picture I took on my way home from work.  I believe this was the day AFTER that huge storm you saw in the video.

And THIS one is actually the sunrise on a Friday morning.  I've been doing my grocery shopping at 6:00 AM on Friday mornings.  I do this so I don't have to take my kids.  Call me crazy, but I HATE shopping with my children so much.  And going at this time gave me so much more of an opportunity to keep my temper in check with those little ones.  Driving home from the store I've gotten to see the sunrise in my rear-view-mirror.  I've never been very fond of 6:00 AM.....but seeing a beautiful sunrise, and feeling like you've accomplished your errands in half the time before Dad even leaves for work: well....lets just say it's worth it in my book.

Below are just a few more pictures we have taken this fall.  Garrett eating dirt.  And my kids in the sunset. 

I'm pretty grateful for these 3 little yay-who's.  They are pretty awesome kids.  And I'm very blessed to have them.

Haircut

Parker was really liking my long hair....so I kept it that way for much longer than I usually do.  My hair has been this length:

since before Garrett was born.  And my last haircut....was when Angie was still being carried around in her carseat.  Yeah.  I had Parker cut the ends around the time Garrett was born, just to get rid of the breaks and split ends.  And I've enjoyed the versatility of long hair.  I mostly put it in a braid for work.  Lots of ponytails, and lots of braids.  I couldn't war it down very often because Garrett pulls it so much.  Finally I was getting fed-up.  I decided it was time for a change.  I made the decision on a whim and one day after work I had my babysitter's sister cut it off.  I decided I wanted to donate my hair (since it was not color treated....and it was definitely long enough). 

I probably wouldn't have gone that short normally....but I decided it would be good to donate it.  I have lots of friends and family that have battled cancer recently.  A friend in my office at work (Sheri), Parker's brother, Garrett, and a young man in our ward (Jared) had all lost their hair from cancer treatment, and then grown it back.  I decided I could do this.  Even though my hair wouldn't be helping THOSE people, it hopefully would be helping someone.

As I sat getting my hair cut, Angie stood there and bawled her little eyes out.  "No mommy!  Don't let her cut your hair!"

Poor Angie.  Her hair is just to thin and sparce to grow out long.  Not to mention I STILL can't get it to grow on top yet! She is always brushing my hair and touching it.  She called me "Rapunzel" all the time, especially when I braided my hair.  Anyway.  Now she asks me every day.  "Mom.  Why is your hair not growing?!"  

Harvest Begins...

The garden is producing!  I canned salsa for the first time WITHOUT my mother this year!  And I learned a valuable lesson...TASTE TEST!  We hadn't added very many chillis, but by the time we tasted it, it was already too hot.  Oh well.  I'll just serve it with sour cream I guess.  My mom likes it hot....not so much for me and Parker, but it was still lots of fun!

First Day of School

After the labor-day craziness came the first day of school.  Caleb loves watching Discovery and NOVA so much, he's sticking to his story: he wants to be a Marine Biologist.  I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty proud.  Most kids say they want to be an artist at this age.  But my boy already has high hopes for himself.  And I honestly believe he could do it!  He's so smart! 

I guess I'll take a minute and write a few things about my Caleb.  He's getting so big.  I mean.  The kid's getting HEAVY.  I can't carry him anymore, and when he sits on my lap, I want him to get off cuz he puts my legs to sleep.  He hates getting woke up for school.  He's often cranky and does not move very fast in the mornings.  Once he's had breakfast, he often perks right up and is quite pleasant.  But on mornings when I'm running late, and I wake him up late and tell him to hurry before he's even woken up......he gets pretty upset.  (Honestly who wouldn't....) 

Caleb loves learning about animals and yesterday when I picked him up after work, he informed me that he learned about spiders.  "Mom.  Did you know spiders are actually called arachnids?"

"Yep, I did."

"And did you know that arachnids have 2 body parts and 8 legs?"

"Yeah, I knew that."

"And MOST insects have wings, but spiders are NOT insects. 

"like flies?"

"Yeah.  The flies are REALLY bad this time of year."

"YES they are!"  (As I swat at a fly while driving in the car.)

"Mom.  Did you know that scorpions are also another type of arachnids?"

".......no."

I'm constantly getting schooled by my 7 year old. 

The other day I was getting Caleb dressed for school.  The playground is covered in tiny little rocks that Caleb brings home in his shoes every day.  The pebbles make it into his pants, socks, and therefore my laundry machines.  My lint filter fills with rocks faster than it does lint.  Anyway.  After a few weeks of school, I noticed Caleb hadn't been bringing home NEARLY as many rocks as he did last year.  "Caleb.  There's not as many rocks in your shoes this year.  Are you playing somewhere different at recess?  What have you been doing?"

I was NOT prepared for his answer.

"Oh.  Well I've been running in the grass.  I chase girls and they chase me."

I'M SORRY WHAT?!!!!!

I started laughing! 

"You chase GIRLS on the playground?!"

He suddenly got embarrassed.  "Well...not ALL the time...."

I realized what was happening.

"Caleb, it's ok to tell me the truth.  And honestly, I think it's ok to chase girls at school.  Just don't kiss them.."

He laughed.

"Right.  Cuz we don't kiss girls unless it's our mom."

"Right."

I told him to not be embarrassed and that it's always more important to tell mom the truth.  I apologized for laughing at him.

Just yesterday I received an e-mail from Caleb's teacher: Mrs. Florian.  Here's what it said.

I was just e-mailing to let you know what a great student Caleb is in my class.  We have been in school for a couple of weeks now and I am amazed with the wealth of information he has to share on school related topics.  He is working really hard on his reading and he always seems to know the answer to my math questions as well.  You have one smart cookie!  He is very polite and respectful too....
Just wanted to let you know how proud I am of him, have a great evening. 

I was overjoyed to read this e-mail.  Mom's always want to hear praise about their kids.  Especially from someone like a teacher!  Caleb is struggling a little with reading.  Nothing too serious.  We didn't work on it over the summer, and so he's taking an extra reading class with about 11 other students from his class each day.  I'm so proud of him and I love him so much.

STOP

The past couple weeks have been pretty hard ones.  I think I've been pretty blessed in my life so far, and even though I've done hard things (like go to school with a newborn baby, or send my kids to daycare while I go to work 4 days a week, or give my time to church callings during the evening when I've spent a whole day at work, and my husband still isn't home from HIS job so I take the kids with me) I think for the most part I handle it pretty well.  Maybe my skin is just getting thicker, but the hard things that I do day-to-day haven't left me feeling down and depressed.....and most days I really feel like I love my life, and I love my job, and most importantly I love being a mom. 

The last few weeks, I have NOT felt this way though.  My first instinct is to blame it on other things.  Mostly my husband working so many hours (with a 1 hour commute home each day).  It makes things so hard to have him gone, and so many days I just wish there was someone there to lighten the load.  But I know it's more than that.  The way I have been feeling lately could be partly blamed on that, but I know the majority of it is just me.  Somewhere along the road I've forgotten to take some important steps.  To care for myself.  The thing I forget to care for the most is my spirit.  I forget to pray, and I don't read the scriptures like I should.  But other days, I don't care for my heart.  Some days I need one-on-one time with my husband, and some days I need to go to the temple, and some days I need to just go shopping WITHOUT CHILDREN.  All of this, eventually made me feel like I had too much on my plate.  And I felt like I was on the verge of rage at every moment.  And my children, who test my patience on a minute-by-minute basis, were starting to cry BEFORE I even yelled at them. I heard wrappers rustling in the pantry, followed by the spill of chocolate milk mix one evening, and yelled from my bedroom, "What just spilled?!" followed by, "I'm sorry...." and then tears. 
Frustration was piling on top of me.  They don't listen if I'm not yelling!  They fight, and argue, and don't eat their food.  The biggest thing that stood out to me was the way my 7-year-old was talking to his little sister.  And to me.  He was yelling at his sister about everything!  And days when I noticed that he could be all-out rude.  It seemed like he was getting a pretty short fuse.  And I realized he had to be learning it from someone.  It was me.  There were days when Parker would come home, and I was yelling at the kids for this and that, and he would stop me.  "It's ok, they're just kids."  I didn't even realize I had a problem until somebody shared this link on their facebook page:
  
10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling

Reading this article made me cry my eyes out.  And I started the resolve to change. But then I quickly forgot.  Then about a week later there was a talk in sacrament meeting, where a sister actually spoke about this exact article and how it helped her change to be more kind and loving.  We had a particularly rough evening that day, when dad and mom were both on a rampage.  And that night somebody shared this article:

The Important Thing About Yelling

This one was the straw to break the camel's back.  I felt so awful.  And I made a resolution to stop yelling.

I'm learning that this challenge is really for my son too.  I have to remind him to not yell just about as often as I remind myself.  And believe me, I think I fail every day.  But it's not an overnight switch.  It's a process.  And I know that as long as I am TRYING to be better, that I'm that much better than I was....even if I still slip up and yell a few times each day.  It's so hard.  I've had to explain to my children that just because I'm not going to yell doesn't mean I'm not going to teach you when you did something wrong.  And their wrong choices still have consequences.  But that consequence will not be me raising my voice.  I have to remember that I can't lose my patience over mistakes.  Children make mistakes.  And I know I do too. 

I've made a resolve to take better care of myself too.  To strengthen my faith, and to make sure I spend quality time with my husband (and not just give him what's left after being exhausted from being a mom each day).  My husband is trying to yell less too, and I am so grateful to have someone to help me through this.  I've also started doing my grocery shopping at 6:00 AM on pay-day before daddy goes to work.  I get home just in time for him to leave, and although I really do HATE 6:00 in the morning, I hate losing my patience at the grocery store even more.  And my oldest has REALLY started to like this change.  He told me he hates grocery shopping because "You always yell at us."  You think?!  They ask for things, and hang on the cart, and step on my toes, and pull things off the shelves, and ask for treats, and of course I yell at them.  It's such a nightmare!  But shopping in the morning completely removes this issue from the table, and I like it as much as they do. 

I really hope you took a second to read the articles in the links that I shared in this post.  I really feel like they helped me so much.  I am only getting started, but I already feel so much better by trying to be more loving.