Serious Anxiety

On the weekend of the 4th, Caleb and I went boating with my parents, and Anna and her 3 oldest. In order to beat the crowds, mom and dad took Dejah and Chase at like 7:00 in the morning to get a dock, and some good skiing water before there were too many boats. Anna and I showed up around 9:00. I was excited to ski......it'd been 2 years and I wanted to make sure I could still do it. It's about a 45 minute drive to Black Canyon Reservoir and mostly I spent that time chatting with my sister and passing back mouthfuls of food to the kids. Then we turned the corner and all of the sudden my heart stopped. My blood vessels dilated and I went pale. You wanna know what sight caused me unexplainable anxiety?.....

That's right. Glassy water. I know. Call me crazy. It's beautiful. It's exciting! The entire lake to ourselves! I should've been thrilled right? Wrong. I was suddenly ten years old again, and more nervous than I'd been in......years. What EXACTLY was I so nervous about? I've been skiing since I was a kid. I've never been hurt. So why the sudden numbing nerves? Sixteen years and I still get the butterflies. Only when it's been 2 years since skiing the last time.....they were just a little more intense. A LOT more intense. I can't explain it.....or why it's so crippling. But that morning it was just about enough to make me need to throw up. No I didn't, but as I slipped into my wetsuit (actually SQUEEZED myself into would be a more accurate description).....hot tears started rolling down my cheeks. What if I can't do it anymore? What if I've gained just enough weight over the past few years that it's just TOO much to get out. I was shaking. I can't even say I was scared. It wasn't fear. Just anxiety. Pure, terrifying, ANXIETY. About 10 seconds of that, and I dried my face......took a few deep breaths and jumped into the cold water. I started repeating to myself "Keep the ski tip high so it's easier to get out." "Lean Back the best you can." and "Hold on tight" so the rope doesn't rip out of my hands on the first try.

"HIT IT!"

About a half a second of fighting and wondering if I was gonna make it. Then before I was even fully out, I realized that I'd done it. I got up. FIRST TRY! Just like riding bike! I SCREAMED "WHOOO!! YEAH!!!" I wasn't too weak. I wasn't too heavy. I could've let go then and there. The satisfaction of getting out of the water was enough for me. But I held on as long as I could (which was honestly maybe 2 minutes more) and then I let go and sunk into the no longer cold water. Phew. All that worrying for nothing. I'm pretty pathetic. Getting all worked up over something as simple as water skiing. Oh well. At least I continue to try~~

On a separate note.....my Caleb also has some anxiety issues. As a baby, he was terrified of the water. If we took him swimming, he'd clamp his arms around my neck and refuse to let go. Even now, if he can't touch the bottom of the pool, he freaks out. Needless to say, a trip to the lake didn't bring out much bravery in him. We stuck him in the tube with Mycah and pulled them behind the boat. The second we were out of the "no wake zone" and started to accelerate, he LOST IT. Started screaming and crying. Dad kept going. "He's fine" he said. True. But as he continued to scream, Mycah started to cry as well. All right. Now he's ruined it for her. So we stopped. I decided he needs a few lessons first. Like.....what it feels like to float with a life jacket. And maybe a little more time in the pool, before we decide to drag him behind a boat again.

Here's a picture of them BEFORE the screaming ride. Cute ha? He's really such a wuss. I guess I'll just have to do to him what MY daddy did to me. MAKE HIM DO IT ANYWAY! He'll get over it after a few years right? ;)

After that we put Dejah in the tube with Mycah instead. And they had a blast. It really was a fun trip. And a liberating one for me!! Now I can get all excited for an entire WEEKEND of skiing at Hell's Canyon in a few weeks.